Masks

 

 

 

I see you there...

An empty shell of what you used to be.

You wear a mask to hide from everyone.... but not from me.

I see your pain...

The struggles within....

I see the cracks.... you are worn so thin.

I want to be the glue that holds you together.

But you won't even let me bother.

You try to hide....

You don't want me to see what's inside.

It's a pointless task.... wearing that mask...

You can't hide from me.

I can already see.

Empty

 

I am standing, looking around.

An empty apartment... no one....

Thinking about all the things that  went right... what went wrong.

Empty beer cans cover the table, the ashtray full.

I am just trying to make sense of it all.

Was it ever right.... was it ever wrong....?

I am so confused by it all.

I glance to the window and catch a reflection.

Who is this person that looks back?

Is it me? Is this what I have become?

An empty apartment.... no one...

I was so full of life...

What was ever right.... what was always wrong?

I want to be that girl that I used to be.

All that's left are the pictures on the wall.

An empty apartment.... no one....

Life never is what we expect of it, even if my expectations were low.

An empty apartment... what was right?

What is wrong?

Facing My Fears

Everyone is terrified of something... or some things.... it's life.

As children we are afraid of the boogey man, the creatures that lurk under our beds, thunder storms, maybe creepy clowns.... it's natural right?

I think I was the most unafraid child in the world.
As an adult.... I seem to have learned to be afraid of everything.

I was in a horrible car accident with my older sister when I was only 14 years old.... a car accident that we were lucky to walk away from. It took me a while before I could even be in a car without being terrified let alone how long it took for me to get my license. But I managed.

Every guy in my life told me that they loved me and they would forever... then abandoned me the moment things got hard. I swore I would never let myself trust someone enough to marry them. And yet after a while somehow I got over it and I got married (granted that one didn't work out so well).

I was in a car accident while I was driving in the snow, everytime after that for a while I was terrified of driving when the roads were covered in snow and ice. I would be so tense.... but somehow... one day... I was over it.

I am still terrified of spiders. I HATE THEM!!!!!! They freak me out beyond all reason. But one morning when one was on my wall... I killed it. I still hate them but I can deal with it.

Tomorrow morning I have to stand up in front of everyone I work with and give a little speech. The moment I was told I had to do this I felt like throwing up. I am sooooo not good with public speaking. Sure I have worked with these people for a while. I talk to them every day..... and yet the idea of being on the spot, and speaking to all of them at once FREAKS ME OUT!!!!!!! I hate it.
I tried to get out of it, I mentioned my horrible fear of it, I mentioned the fact that I am not good at it, and finally I had to accept that tomorrow I have to do it.
FML!!!!!! I am panicking right now just thinking about it. 
It's silly I know... and part of me is laughing at myself for the stupidity of it. I am kinda hoping this works out the same way that everything else has. Tomorrow I could wake up, go in there, and just do it. And be fine.

I am really hoping I don't freak out and just babble like an idiot.

Wish me luck.

Birthdays....

Growing up there was always one day that I knew would be all about me.
I can remember being so excited about my birthday, the night before I could barely sleep just thinking about it, and that morning when I woke up... it was the greatest day. It wasn't about the gifts (I was spoiled when I was young) but it was just about the fact that it was the one day out of every year that was all about me.

My parents always did their best to make my birthday the greatest day, my mother would bake me whatever cake I wanted, my dad would always stay home from work, I was always allowed to have as many people over as I wanted. Heck even up until my teenage years my family did their best to make that day a HUGE celebration. No matter how crappy the year.... it always made me realize how happy they were that I was there.... that I had been born.... and I had lived another year.

When I first moved out, it was right before my birthday. I was turning 19 in a new city, with a new boyfriend, and our roommates. I thought I would have a whole different kind of party. Instead my boyfriend bought me a DVD and took me to the local college campus to try and convince me to enroll. There was no party. No celebration. Nothing. And it was sad.

I asked my boyfriend about it, why he didn't do anything, and he told me that in his family birthdays weren't such a big thing for him.
So for his birthday I decided to show him what it was like. I bought him a cake ( I wasn't so into cooking back then ), I bought candles, I showed up at his work and surprised him. Later that night we threw a party at our apartment. I thought the message had been made clear.... birthdays are  a big thing to me... and that's how we are going to roll from now on.

My 20th birthday I had to work, when I came home my roommates and I did what we normally did... sat around, played video games.... no special anything.

For his birthday, I threw him a surprise birthday party, I contacted all of his old college friends plus our friends in the city, I invited his family, my family, and everyone I could think of. I had us all meet at a piano bar in Lansing. It was an amazing night.

My 21st birthday, he tried. He invited a bunch of people for a bar hop... on a Sunday night... not many people could make it, the bars were dead...., he got mad at me the next day when I was hung over..., but hey he tried.

My 22nd birthday... nothing.....

My 23rd birthday... I decided to take matters into my own hands. I did the planning, I invited people, and I was going to make it happen. I wanted some feeling of the old times. And then we got into a fight..... a bad fight. While he was screaming at me for some... unknown reason, I was getting text messages from my friends, asking when I was going to get there. My whole night was spent crying and yelling and feeling completely unloved... by my now husband, while my friends were waiting for me. It was... probably the worst birthday I ever had.

My 24th birthday.... I don't remember at all. I couldn't tell you if I had a party or what.

My 25th birthday I decided to try again at the party planning. I planned a huge party in my hometown, I got RSVP's and everything. I had to work, and my boyfriend at the time couldn't make it to Jackson so as soon as I got out of work he took me out to eat, made a huge deal, made the day start out so amazing. Then I got to Jackson, a few of my friends showed up.... but finally I was exhausted and decided to go to sleep. Granted I was so surprised when Robin was there, sleeping on my sisters couch when I woke up. It turned out way better than I thought... but for a few minutes I felt like it was going to go bad.

And in two days it will be my 26th birthday.
I will be working, I made no plans, and as far as I know no one else has made plans for me.
It will be the first year that I have given up on trying to have an amazing birthday.
I bought myself a bottle of champagne to toast to the end. I am not going to go out of the way to make my birthday special again.
I am sick of the disappointment.
The sad part is that everyone says it's just one of those things that happens when you are an adult. But why? Why does it have to happen? Why do we have to give up our childish joy just because we are old? Everyone should be able to hold onto some childish joy regardless of what they have gone through or how old they are. It keeps you alive... keeps you hoping... keeps you sane.... and yet we are so quick to give up.

So I guess my point is.... find one thing that amuses you and go with it. I myself still enjoy sitting in the rain. Every chance I get... I just stand or sit or play in the rain. Because in that moment when the rain hits my skin I smile. Don't lose your childish wonderment just because you are getting older.

Sorry for my lack of attention....

I have not been very attentive to my blog for a little while.... I am sorry for that.

My work has inventory going on, I have been trying to be a little more social in my personal life, and I am trying to take better care of myself i.e. working out.

So I haven't forgotten my followers, even though a lot of you aren't COMMENTING!!!

So here is a funny little story to keep you all going until Monday when I will have time to do a real post.

So I got home at 11 pm tonight after work. And I have to stay up late because tomorrow I am working a 12 hour shift, 3 p.m. till 3 a.m. Now this is just an estimate. There is a chance that I will be there much later than that. So tonight I am trying to stay awake as long as I can, so that tomorrow I will sleep in as long as I can to make me not want to curl up in a ball at 1 am.  So I started drinking. Coffee and Baileys... Something to keep me up.... and something that will keep me entertained....

And I was having a fun go of it.... until out of the corner of my eye I saw something crawling acrossed my apartment floor ( three drinks in ).
My first thought was that it was a spider... I am terrified out of spiders. But then I realized it was too big to be a spider. Granted it's night time, and I am just watching tv so I have all the lights off... so to me it looks like something huge is slinking across my living room. Normally under these circumstances I would either drink so much that I could ignore it or call someone to kill whatever this thing was. But... I decided to be an adult. I grabbed a shoe... and a kleenx... and I turned on the light.... to find a HUGE fucking centipeed crawling across my apartment. And I SMASHED IT!!! All by myself.

I am normally a fan of live and let live. But this fucker had to die.

So that's my story. Sorry I haven't posted anything better than this in a while. I PROMISE. Monday I will come up with something much better.

Thank you to everyone who is reading. It means a lot to me that people are paying attention.

Liars....

I don't understand why people can't tell the truth.
I mean;.. I get the fact that sometimes telling the truth hurts...
Liars.... it sucks for a second........ maybe a minute when the truth first comes out.
But when you lie for a long time... when you realize everything it a lie... it crushes your spirit.

Fuck I hate liars.

Asking For Help.....

I am a strong person.

I have ALWAYS been raised that way.

My parents always raised me to stand on my own two feet, to be smart, to work hard, to never expect anything from anyone, and it's tiring.

It's difficult being an adult. As children we can't wait for the adventure... for the excitement.... for the fairytale. We have this idea of what life is supposed to be. Unfortunately life rarely turns out the way we think it will when we are children. There are trials. Sometimes these trials are small, losing a loved one, having a heart broken, or... not getting into the school we want. But, more often than not, they are things far more serious. For me it was when I lost my first child and I felt as if the world had stopped spinning, when my husband and I could no longer enjoy each others company without being drunk, for walking out the door.... not knowing if I could ever stand on my own two feet again, trying to live on my own for the very first time of my adult life and not knowing if I could afford it, learning to trust in people... not always thinking they are going to screw me over, falling in love again... hoping that this time my heart won't be shattered into a million pieces, and realizing that I am broke and can't afford my life.

It's scary asking for help. You have to let yourself be completely vulnerable. You have to share a secret with someone... anyone who can save you. You are putting yourself out there.... naked... and asking someone to cover you. It is humiliating... terrifying... and heartbreaking.

I should know better than to be afraid to ask for help. I watched my family crumble because of their pride. I watched us lose everything due to the fact that they couldn't just.... humble themselves... face the music... and ask for help.

It's a lesson I should have learned... and yet I still waited till the last minute to ask.

But the fact that my request was taken... and accepted... made me feel that much more of an open and honest person.

One of the things that I have learned from my ex-husband is to be an honest person, to be real, and to always be the person that doesn't just shove things under the rug.

I have done really good with this, and I feel as if it has made my life better. But yet, I was still afraid to tell the truth about the situation I was in.

I feel like I can breathe again, and I also feel an overwhelming feeling of love and admiration for the people that are in my life. Not one person has looked down on me, not one person has ignored me, and not one person has told me I am an idiot.

Once again I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world. I have amazing friends that are so supportive and loving. I have the greatest family in the world who support me through thick and thin, and I am thankful for myself. I don't say it enough.... but even though I have gone through a lot of really crappy situations... somehow I have kept a semi-optimistic view on life. I don't think the world is going to end everytime bad things are happening... I don't give up.... it's tiring.... but I have so much to grateful for.


Thank you... Everyone....

Sometimes it's the little thing....

On May 24th, eight years ago... I stood in a delivery room and I waited for a life to be brought into the world.

Eva Lee Hunter.

I can remember my sister calling me, telling me that she was in labor. I can remember her calling me and telling me that she was on the way to the hospital. I can remember watching my beautiful niece coming into the world. I watched as the doctors took her away, as they worked on her because she wasn't breathing. I remember feeling the complete terror that there was nothing they could do. I touched her hand as they wheeled her to the top of the building where they air lifted her to a different hospital that could save her life. In one moment this perfect person.... that had yet to live.... was in so much danger.

On May 24th, 2013 Eva turned eight years old.  She survived her birth. I am so grateful for that.

She makes me smile every moment I see her. She is perfect in every single way.

Yesterday on her birthday, I called her and she asked me if I would be there for her birthday party (which is tomorrow) and I told her that I didn't think I could make it. She was in tears she was so upset. But.... Tomrrow I will be making the drive to Jackson, after working an eight hour shift at work, only to be able to stay for one day... just so that I can see my beautiful niece on her birthday.

There are times when life is horrible. There are times when life feels like.... there is nothing worth it. And then I look at this beautiful amazing person. A person that looks at me like I am the greatest thing in the world. A person who wants me to be there. A person who always asks me when I will come see her. She is perfect. She makes me care. She makes me realize that everything is worth it.

Happy birthday to my beautiful little girl. I hope my surprise goes over well.

Save Me

Falling in love... it's this awesome feeling...
It's butterflies in your stomach when you first see them.
It's your chest getting tight when they say your name.
It's laughing when you have had a bad day.
It's wishing they were there when you are sad.
It's smiling when nothing else has made you smile all day.
It's thinking about them every moment.
It's wanting to share something.
It's sitting there and just wishing that they were there.
It's getting up early to do your hair just right.
It's picking the perfect outfit.
It's... shaving your legs.
It's about wanting to make them smile.
It's about wanting to cry, and knowing they will hold you anyways.
It's about being able to sit there... and not having to say anything because they already know.
It'a about being yourself and knowing that they love you even more because of it.


There's something about falling in love. Each one of us wants it. Even if we fight it... we want that thing in our life that is constant.

I never belived in fate.... or soul mates... I never believed that god had a plan. In fact.... god and I have always had a difficult relationship.

So what this is... I have no clue.

But it has redefined my opinions on everything in the world.

It has brought me the most happiness that I have ever felt in my life. But it has also brought me the worst pain.

Nothing is worse than meeting the man of my dreams..... then realizing that it's not going to happen.

Another reason why fairy tales don't exactly exisit.

Angels Sing

A broken woman stands alone.
No tears are shed.
Inside she's dying.
She's trying to hide.
Numbness provides the strength she projects.
As she draws her last breath she does not object.
Her pieces fall seperately to the ground.
Laying there shattered on the ground.
She finds the peace to be herself.
She cries so beautifully, the angels sing.
And finally... she is free.
A broken woman, no strength she shows.
She lies in pieces, with such bliss.
Her burden is gone.
And the angels sing.

 

Survivor

I am a survivor.

I have survived the fear of losing everything when my father lost his job. I survived when my mother quit hers. I survived when they put all of their savings into a small party store. I survived when that party store took all of their time away from me. I survived never being noticed. I survived dropping out of high school. I survived home schooling myself. I survived feeling as if I was invisible to everyone around me.I survived feeling as if I didn't belong. I survived a childhood lost. I survived having to grow up too fast.

I survived working two jobs to help support my family at a young age. I survived when my parents lost our house. I survived having to move from the only home I had ever known to a two bedroom trailer. I survived when our party store failed. I survived when my parents lost everything. I survived watching my parents turn on each other. I survived when the one person that I could lean on, my fiance, left me. I survived having absolutely nothing.

I survived living in an unfinished basement with no walls and no doors. I survived watching a rift filled with resentment grow between my parents. I survived feeling as if the world had ended. I survived watching the only life I had ever known fall to pieces around me.

I survived moving away from home, with a complete stranger. I survived starting a whole new life without my family. I survived trying to learn how to live again.

I survived learning to trust again. I survived letting someone get close to me. I survived falling in love. I survived learning to lean on someone again. I survived watching my parents marriage end. I survived trying to realize that it didn't mean that I would have the same fate. I survived feeling as if I no longer fit in with my family. I survived feeling as if they no longer cared if I was there or not. I survived feeling as if my mother never wanted me around. I survived learning what it really meant to be in a relationship.

I survived losing a child. I survived my relationship becoming rocky. I survived watching the one person who taught me to trust again, turn into someone I couldn't talk to. I survived the insults. I survived the fights. I survived the tears. I survived walking out the door, and never looking back.

I survived the fear of the unknown. I survived learning how to live on my own for the very first time. I survived learning to stand on my own two feet. I survived the end of my marriage. I survived the idea of being alone.

I survived allowing someone into my heart. I survived learning to trust someone all over again. I survived sharing my every thought, my every feeling, my entire being with someone. I survived  the first time I ever fully allowed someone to see every part of me.

I have survived every obstacle that has been thrown in my way. I have survived every hurt, and every trial. I feel as if I have done nothing but survive since I was the age of ten. Each step I have taken and each choice I have made has been nothing but just a survival tactic....

I have survived thinking that I don't have to do it anymore, that the days of just.... surviving are gone. I have survived thinking that I get to just live now. I have survived truly believing that everything is going to be okay. I have survived thinking that finally.... I can stop holding my breath. I will survive knowing that it wasn't true.

It's what I do. I just... survive. It's all I have ever known. And to think that the future would be different.... is just to have to learn all over again how to survive.

Cinderella.... Sort Of....

Okay, so in the story of Cinderlla she lost a shoe.... and in my case it was an earring but hey... the story kinda fits.

Yesterday was Mothers Day. When I woke up I wasn't really thinking about it. But as I lay in bed... slowly my brain started working over the same few thoughts over and over again. Before I knew it I had been laying there awake for an hour. So I got up... and moved to the couch. I sat there staring out the window... letting myself get into a worse mood. Before I knew it I wasn't just thinking about it being Mothers Day but I was thinking about money, and work, and pretty much everything that is kind of going poorly for me right now. I was spiralling. By the time I left for work I was pretty much in one of the crappiest moods I have ever been in.

I felt terrible about it because everyone at work was in such a good mood. So I got some coffee... tried to perk up... and then got to work. I focused on as many tasks as I could, forced myself to laugh at my co-workers jokes, and smiled... even though I really didn't feel like smiling.

In the last hour at work I noticed that I was missing my left earring. Which under normal circumstances wouldn't normally upset me. But these earrings were special. I wear them when I am having a bad day, I wear them when I need a little luck, or when I just need something to perk me up. I they are my favorite earrings. They were a gift from one of my closest friends. So when I realized that my earring wasn't in my ear it was pretty much the final straw of the day. My eyes started to sting and I thought I was going to lose it.

So I took a deep breath and jumped into action. I did a grid search of my entire store with my eyes firmly locked on the ground. Unfortunately we had just dust mopped the floor and thrown out the trash. I had to come to terms that my earring.... was gone... forever. There was no chance that I was ever going to find it. So I texted my friend. I told the story. I went home and just... went to bed. I wanted that stupid day to be over.

When I woke up today I was still kinda grumpy but, after being at work for a little while my friend called me and told me not to sweat losing the earring....
Then my phone started buzzing with some pretty awesome news ( That I won't disclose at this point).
So when I was on my way home I was in a pretty good mood. Yesterdays unhappiness was long forgotten. I was looking forward to doing some cleaning... maybe some painting... and then.... as if it were fate I walked into my apartment, kicked off my shoes, and stepped directly on my my missing earring.

I feel like it's a sign that things are going to start turning around again.

Mother's day.... not always a day of joy.

 

                                                                  
Mothers Day is particularly difficult for me.

In my younger years I never wanted children. I didn't want to be tied down.

Once I got into a commited relationship I couldn't wait till I could bring a child into this world. Adam and I constantly argued about when we would start a family.

When I got pregnant I was so happy. I can remember getting phone calls from my entire family on Mothers Day wishing me happy thoughts. I couldn't wait to be an actual mother.

When I got pregnant I made a binder. It had a section for what to expect each week, what I would need to take to the hospital when I went into labor, all the things that I would need to purchase before my baby came into the world, and in the very back of the binder I had a section where I would write a letter to my child every week. I wanted my baby to know how much I loved it. I was so excited to bring this child into the world, I couldn't wait to hold it, and to watch it grow.

The day I lost my child broke my heart into so many pieces that I never believed that I would smile again. I was completely destroyed. I was three months pregnant when I sat before my doctor, by myself, and she told me that my child was dead, and then asked me if I wanted her to call my husband for me.

I wish I could say that I have never had that feeling since. Unfortunately that was not my last miscarriage. It never gets easier to lose a child. Even if you have never held that child or looked upon it's face.... you love that child with every ounce of your heart. You do everything that you can to ensure it's safety. To be able to do nothing is the worst feeling in the world.

And this is why today... Mothers Day... is pretty much unbearable for me.

                                                                   (Gale Shissler)

Falling In Love.

Falling in love.... it's great. There is no better feeling in the world right....?

In real life there are a lot better feelings than realizing you are in love with someone... who you shouldn't be in love with. I mean seriously... that moment that you realize that you have fallen for someone that either will never feel the same way, or you shouldn't feel that way for, or is someone that irritates you almost as much as you feel for them... well in that moment you would probably be happier enjoying a bowl of ice cream or the first bite of homemade fried chicken. Because food makes you feel better than the impending doom/love that you feel for that person.

Love is a funny thing. Too often we confuse love with lust.... and even more often than that we confuse love with being compliant. It would be so easy if there was a test you could take to tell you if you really were in love... or if it was just a false positive.

My first love was a boy I grew up with that broke my heart. I loved him because he was beautiful and he said nice things to me.

My second love was a boy that promised me that he would love me forever. He became a part of my family and my family loved him and so... I loved him.

My third love.... was my ex-husband. He wanted to love me, and so I loved him.

Each one of these people I wanted something from. I wanted love, I wanted to be needed, I wanted someone to realize that I existed, and I wanted someone to just.... be there.

My fourth love... well let's just say I was jaded, and when he told me that he loved me for the first time I almost attempted to jump from a moving car. Just so I could run away from anything that had the L word in it.

Love is supposed to be this amazing thing that brings two people together and makes them whole. Unfortunately that isn't always the case.

It'd be amazing if all love stories started with we met in a crowded room, our eyes met, and we just knew.....
In reality there is no way to know how you feel without time. Time and a LOT of work.

In real life... love is more like you meet somone, and then one day you look at the person and realize that you love them. You might not have been looking for it, you may not want it, but eventually you can't fight it.

17 Versus 26

Life is very different from when I was 17.... and life is now at almost 26. This has been made abundantly clear in many.... many different ways.

17: My nights were spent in the company of many friends doing crazy things.
26: My nights are spent cleaning/working on art/falling asleep on my couch while watching t.v.

17: I worked two jobs, I got out of work anywhere between 11 pm to 2 am and still made it to work at my second job at 6 am without any complications.
26: I hit the snooze button on my alarm for at least two hours before I have to actually wake up.

17: My idea of a good time was driving cars recklessly fast in places that you aren't suppose to.
26: My idea of a good time is staying in and cooking.

17: Sleep was a thing that I got only when there wasn't anything else to do.
26: If I don't get sleep I am angry.

17: My room was always a mess
26: Bitches you can eat off my floor

17: Cooking was for women that were old, married, and had children.
26: Cooking is one of the best past times of all time.

17: Quitting smoking was a matter of just realizing I didn't want to anymore
26: Ahhhh.... I should quit but.... why?

17: I was a sexy beast.
26: I am now a sweaty beast.

17: My boobs were perfect.
26: My boobs are... well.... not 17 year old boobs.


The point is there are a lot of changes between being young and being... not so young. But I think the one that I am most depressed about is my will power.
I mean... I worked two jobs and still found time to have a good time.
I could do anything that I set my mind to.
I had will power.

Now it may seem that I am rambling or merely complaining but I really had to make this point before I told the story that I am about to tell.

So, I am trying to get healthier, and trying to get in better shape. So I decided the best first start was to do a cleanse.

The cleanse consists of eating nothing but a carefully constucted soup for three weeks, no drinking, and no processed sugar.... easy right? Well.... not so much.

I went shopping and bought all of the ingrediants to make this soup. I was so excited as I was making it. It smelled AMAZING. I was really proud of myself for actually taking the step to better my physical health. I was doing good.

So day 1, I ate the soup which was really good. I was still really pumped about this whole thing. It was exactly what my body needed. Part way through day 1 I started to get hungry.... in fact it felt as if I hadn't ate all day.... I was DYING..... So.... I went and bought McDonalds. Yea... okay I can start tomorrow. I will remember to bring soup to work with me for those cravings during the day.

Day 2 which is really supposed to be day one since I completely failed at day 1 originally. I got up early, I meditated, I ate soup, I went to work, and then I got home. And realized that there were four completely ice cold beers in my refrigerator... and they looked gooooooood. I think I opened my refrigerator about twenty times before finally caving and grabbing one. And the first taste of that ice cold beer was so amazing and fulfilling.... I didn't even feel guilty.

So... I guess Day 3 will be starting Day 1 all over again. At least age hasn't allowed me to give up on trying. But... like I said... willpower... WHERE HAS IT GONE?????

Enter The Best Friend Nemesis

(No this isn't really us)

Robin and I had known each other for a while.... and in my mind she was my best friend... in fact she was the bestest of best friends... so imagine my dismay when she called me and told me that her best friend was coming to visit.... yea.... WTF?

But... I composed myself. After all.... Robin and I had gone through a lot together, the bonds that we had created were strong, there was no way that this chic could even come close to being as awesome of a friend as I was... right?

Enter Crystal... Ugh... Crystal. Even her name was pretty. I walked into Robin's apartment with a full intention of keeping an open mind (and the upper hand) and when I was introduced to this adorable... skinny... blond.... I HATED HER! Then I found out that she had graduated college... AND I HATED HER MORE! Then I found out she was working on her masters degree... AND I HATED HER EVEN MORE!!!!!!!!! She was everything that I had wanted at one point.... and she was Robin's friend before I had ever met Robin.... and she was pretty.... and she was smart.... and well.... I was feeling like I was lacking in every department. The war was on....

I am not sure how Crystal felt when she first met me, I am not sure what Robin told her about me, and in all honesty I think Crystal and I have only seen each other in person a total of two.... maybe three times. But in my mind Robin was my best friend, and I was her best friend, and this bitch was going down. And so the rivalry for Robin's friendship status began.

I would love to say that there was an actual war, that there were snide comments, and that maybe there might have been some hair pulling..... but there wasn't. It was mainly just some trying to one-upping the other on facebook status's and a few very funny conversations. And then one day I accidentally posted a comment to Robin about starting a blog... on Crystal's fackbook page. And of course when Crystal found out about the blog idea.... well she just HAD to be apart of it as well. This perfect woman couldn't let me have ONE thing that was just me and Robin.

By the way... even as I am writing this, knowing that Crystal will be reading this, I feel horrible.

One night we were all on facebook and Crystal and I came to the conclusion that Robin was getting satisfaction that we were fighting over her affection. That she was getting herself a little ego boost. And at that point we decided that we weren't going to fight over Robin anymore, I told her that I would love for her perspective on my blog, and I actually enjoy talking to her.

The whole point of this blog is to make people realize that there are so many facets of life. Robin is a happily married woman with two children, she is trying to find the balance between being a woman, a wife, and a mother.
Crystal is a newly married woman who is learning how to be a wife.
Me.... a newly divorced woman trying to find the meaning in everything and trying to find a way to be happy.

Orange Barrels

I racked my brain about what I would post about tonight, there are so many fun stories, and so many good times that I literally had to flip a coin to decide what topic I would write about tonight. And then I remembered just the other day I told the Orange Barrel story to a group of people and the result was uncontrollable laughter.

When I moved to Metro Detroit I had always lived with a minimum of four people until after I got married. During the time in question I was living with my boyfriend and future ex-husband, my cousin Chad, and one of their friends Shaun. We lived in Auburn hills at the time and pretty much every night was a party. And of course, at this point the one person that was there for every party was Robin.

Sure.... she looks innocent enough... but you add in certain factors like, me, a bottle of  rum, and an idea.... and well... the crazy comes out.

So on this particular night it wasn't really a party, more like the roommates, Robin, and myself were just kicking back and knocking back the drinks. And I mentioned a funny story to Robin. Which led us on a crazy adventure that we kept secret for many years.

If you live in Michigan you realize that there are seasons.... there is Fall, Winter, and Construction. I had told Robin a story about how I had always dreamt of stealing an orange barrel. Now I had known Robin for a while at this point and I had learned to read her facial expressions by now... and the expression she was showing at that moment was mischievous. So... she gave me a look and then sweetly turned to the boys and informed them that she wanted some ice cream and said that she was going to go get some with me (yea... I know.... drinking and driving is bad... but we hadn't had that much yet).

So Robin and I get in the car and discuss the fact that the road that I lived off of was under construction and we devised a master plan on how we were finally going to steal me an orange barrel.

The plan: Go to Seven Eleven, get the ice cream, pull out of the parking lot, stop, I would pop the trunk, Robin would get out and quickly grab a barrel and throw it in the trunk, and we would head home.
Good plan right?
Well it went smooth until we got to the popping of the trunk and realized that I didn't have a button inside my car to pop the trunk inside my car.
FAIL.

New plan: Pull back into the parking lot of Seven Eleven, get out and unlock the trunk and leave it open, repeat previous plan.
But... when I stopped the trunk closed on it's own and.... was once again locked.
DOUBLE FAIL.

At this point there was a little bit of traffic, it was raining, it was dark out, and I wasn't wearing my glasses.... so we took off once more and tried to find a place to turn around... we were not giving up on this adventure.... after all... we weren't quitters. So, as we were discussing our new plan of action I was trying to find a driveway to turn around in. I thought I saw one... I asked Robin if that was a driveway coming up. She agreed it was. So I turned into it.... and it wasn't a driveway.... oh no.... it was an extremely deep ditch. And just like that it was a Triple Fail.

So here we are... Robin and I sitting in my car.... which was sitting in a ditch... that was so deep that no amount of hitting the gas was getting us out.  All I could think about was the fact that my boyfriend was going to KILL me for doing something so stupid. I was stuck! I had been drinking! I was attempting to steal! AHHHHHHH!

I could not see a way out of the situation. Robin just shrugged, got out of the car, and pushed as I hit the gas and before I knew it we were out of the ditch.

We both laughed our asses off about how stupid the situation had been, we ultimately gave up on the orange barrel (mainly due to the fact that we had been gone for too long at this point), we went back to the apartment, and we never told them what had happened. It was our little secret.

A few months ago a company was doing some work on the parking lot at my store, and I couldn't help but laugh about the fact that there were orange barrels everywhere. I called Robin to tell her about them, and how sad I was that she wasn't here to help me take one.

Dating sucks....

Dating at age 16 is totally different from dating at age 26 (granted I won't be 26 until June...).

Robin was discussing my situation with one of her friends and they both agreed that if something were to ever happen to their significant others that they wouldn't even know how to date... and that it would probably just be easier to sit at home and become crazy cat ladies. Robin then informed me that she doesn't envy me.

Dating.... sucks.

When I left my husband I had a theory. I didn't want to do what I always did in the past. I didn't want to meet someone, become completely attached, and lose what little freedom I had gained. I wanted to have some time to just.... have a good time. I wanted to just breathe and act my age for a second. Nothing serious, no real attachments, and nothing permanent. I thought it would be fun.

I tried a dating site... and the first date I ever went on asked me to go away with him for the weekend.... bye bye date number one. A childhood friend of mine was going through a divorce at the same time as me and we were trying to lean on each other.... until he told me he was falling in love with me.... we don't talk anymore. One of the few men I trusted and considered a great friend told me that he couldn't spend time with me anymore because he was in love with me. An ex-boyfriend asked me to move to another state to be with him. I contacted a different childhood friend and asked him out on a date... and he brought up marriage... which totally freaked me out....

During this whole time Robin has been completely supportive of me. Many nights I have called her for advice while she has children crying in the background. She and her husband Paul have confrenced me on phone calls about how to handle first dates. They've given advice on what to wear, where to go, and things to say... and let's face it they are there for my pre-date jitters phone call where I am completely freaking out.

But nothing beats one of my more recent phone calls.

I was nervous. I got asked to 'hang out' with a guy that I had recently met. It was last minute.... and we decided to just grab a pizza and watch some movies at my apartment. Not really a date... but a pre-date (that's what he called it). Paul and Robin gave me some pointers... then the date showed up.

The first five minutes turned out really well. He didn't seem nervous, we talked about movies, and music, and we had a lot in common. And then... we ran out of common things to talk about. And then... he started talking about himself. And then.... I realized that I was on a date with my ex husband... just in another body. His likes, his dislikes, and his passions were all the same. He loves to talk politics, and religion, and about pshycology. He enjoys being the one in a relationship to point out the problems and fix them. And at this point.... all I could think of is... how long do I have to wait before I can tell him to leave without sounding rude.

Now by the time this 'pre-date' ended it was pretty late. But I decided to text Robin anyways. And I was surprised that she had waited up to hear from me. Which resulted in a phone call. A phone call that to this day I don't think I will ever forget. I explained what happened. I started off with the fact that everything seemed like it was going well, but then I started to explain some of the things he was talking about.... and then Robin started to chuckle. As I went deeper into the situation... Robin started laughing harder. By the time I was done telling her every detail of this failed 'pre-date' Robin was laughing so hard that she had woken up her oldest child. The best part of this whole thing is when Robin apologized for laughing, but explained to me that she was soooooo happy that this was happening to me and not to her. And then I started laughing. The comment was so harsh... but that is why I love Robin. She says it like it is because she knows that is how I will repsond best.

This whole dating thing is way more complicated than it ever was when I was younger. Now I am completely confused. There are guys that want to move too fast... there are the guys that are just playing games... and there are the guys that just out right suck. Not to mention.... trying to figure out what I want.

When Robin laughed at me, I laughed... mainly because I realized just how ridiculous this is. Dating should be easy. You should be able to go out with somone realize if you like them or not and then.... take care of business. But that's not how dating works when you are older.

The morale of this story is that dating sucks. Trying to find a balance between crazy and eh...... it's a lot of pressure.

The one thing I can be completely grateful for is I have an amazing friend that even though she has never had to relate to the situation is so very supportive of my horrible first date expereiences.

Who knows... maybe someday I will find that person. But... for now I feel like I will be single for a long time.

And The Prince Turned Into A Frog....

I was raised in a very small community, where your neighbors knew your every move, you couldn't go to a store without someone calling out your name, you got married young, and you stayed there... for the rest of your life having babies and doing the whole stereotypical thing. At the age of 14 I decided that was NOT going to happen to me. Funny how life throws you a curve ball.

As a teenager I had a few very simple life goals. I wanted to move the heck out of that dinky town, I wanted to go to college, I wanted to have my own apartment, and I wanted to live in the big city. I thought these were reasonable goals. Sure I had dreams of being famous, of becoming the next top selling famous writer, and who knows... having a hot live in boyfriend. But, I had a realistic outlook on that part of my life. I was not expecting to meet a man that would cause me to change my outlook on marriage and kids.

At the age of 18 I met Adam. He was older, he lived on his own, he was a college student, he was pretty good looking, and he liked me. At this point I was working in a movie theater trying to help support my family and most of my nights were spent doing reckless things that made me forget the responsibilities that I had to deal with during the day (more on that in a later post). All was going well, sure I wasn't living out my goals or my dreams but at least I was having a good time. And then a friend of mine wanted me to meet Adam. I am not sure why I did it... in fact I am not even sure why I ever went on a second date with him considering the first date went horribly wrong. But I did go on a second date... and a third... and I even took my first out of country trip with him (sure it might have only been Canada but I had never been before..... so it was a big deal). And before I knew it... I was spending more time with him than I was at work or with my family or even with my friends. At this point I can remember little details... things that really irritated me about him back then. But back then... I ignored his every fault. And then he graduated college... and asked me to move away with him... two hours away... to Metro Detroit... and I did it.... and it was probably the biggest and yet somehow best mistake that I have ever made in my life.

The above paragraph makes it seem as if this relationship had been going on for a while before I moved two hours away from everything I knew... with a guy that... well let's face it... I barely knew. But in all honesty, I had known Adam for exactly three months when my parents helped me move into a really crappy apartment, in a really crappy part of town, with a guy I hardly knew anything about. Boy... was that a great idea. Although... It took me a while to realize just how fantastic of an idea it really was.

Adam liked to have deep intellectual conversations about politics and religion, he thought that in order for you to have a valid opinion about something you had to have undeniable facts to support your opinion, Adam wanted to talk about every single emotion that was expressed.... for hours...., if you did not agree with Adam he thought it was an opening to discuss the matter for hours on end until the opposing person just gave in to stop the conversation, if Adam thought you had a problem (even if you didn't) Adam was hell bent to fix it. These were all traits that were easy to ignore and pretend didn't exist when I didn't live with him. Sure, Adam had other traits as well... good traits... he had a big heart, he was always willing to help a friend in need, he knew how to have a great time, and he loved me... all things that were outweighed by his more stubborn and tiring traits.

I had my own set of wonderfulness.... I was headstrong, I didn't like to be told what to do, I didn't like to talk about how I felt about things, I hated politics, I hated religon, I felt that my opinions were valid even if I didn't have a thousand reasons for why I thought they should be, and I most certainly did not like the idea of being fixed. I am sure I had some good traits... although as sad as it is... in the beginning of our relationship... I don't know what they were.

We were complete opposites on some of the most important things, and yet we managed to sustain some kind of working relationship. Our friends either loved being around us or hated being around us. Our roommates saw the underlying problems and recognized us for what we were... a disaster waiting to happen, I even thing our families realized this fact. Our other friends thought we were the perfect couple... for a while. It was a disaster waiting to happen... but I wouldn't go back and change a thing, because I would have never become the person that I am today if I hadn't been with Adam.

When Adam asked me to become his wife I said yes, with one single question I once again forgot about every harsh word, every argument, every irritation, and focused only on how much I loved this man. It gave the both of us a surge of resiliance towards each others faults. He seemed to work harder on not annoying me and I worked harder on trying to be interested in the things he cared about. We were doing so good. And then... we got pregnant.

Pregnancy did an amazing thing to our relationship. Now I had never wanted children before, but with Adam I wanted them.... I wanted them real bad. He had somehow unlocked that mothering instinct that most women are born with. So when I found out I was pregnant I was excited. I couldn't wait to bring this life into the world. Adam, who had never said he didn't want children had a different reaction... he saw this new life as just making every problem in our realtionship that much bigger, he saw it as the end of his youth, he saw it as the exact opposite of what he wanted in that moment and because of those feelings each day was pretty much a living hell. He resented me for being pregnant. He treated the pregnancy like it was a chore. He was constantly angry at me. He was angry when I didn't eat well, he was angry when he thought I was eating too much, he was angry when the doctor said I wasn't gaining enough weight, he was angry when he thought I was gaining too much weight, he was angry when I got morning sickness, he was angry when I had a doctors appointment, the long and the short of it was simple... Adam was angry. And it took a serious toll on me. Because of the pregnancy he decided we should move our wedding up, he decided that we should change all of our previous wedding plans, he decided where we would get married, he decided how we would spend our honeymoon, and just like that I felt that this was no longer a relationship. I thought that in time he would come around, that he would realize that this wasn't the end of the world, and I was right.... one day I came home from work and the most amazing thing happened. Adam got down on his knees and he lifted up my shirt and he placed his hands on my subtle baby bump and he started talking to our baby. It was the most amazing moment. I would like to blame hormones for the tears that I shed but I knew that it was just relief. Relief that finally he was accepting that this child was coming. Unfortunately, only a week later, at only three months pregnant I lost the baby. And so more resentment was born in our relationship. My resentment with him and his treatment of the situation.

Adam and I continued on to get married, it was a beautiful day filled with sadness, and anger. Adam was angry that we weren't having the wedding we originally planned and blamed me. I was angry that we didn't have the wedding that we originally planned and I blamed him. We went on a honeymoon that he wanted because I didn't want to argue anymore. I tried to enjoy myself but he was angry the whole time. We got back from our honeymoon and bought a house, the place that we were supposed to start our family, and we argued about it constantly. We would go on vacations and argue, he lost his job and we argued, I worked too much and we argued, in fact... it seemed like there was hardly a day that we weren't arguing. If we weren't it was merely because of the fact that I would bite my tongue to keep myself from saying the things that I wanted to say.

It's a sad picture, sure there were good times, but they are hard to remember amongst all the anger and resentment and discontent that was breeding in our relationship.

After five years of being together, two years of being married, months of theapy, a complete year of being a complete coward... I walked out the front door of my house with all of the belongings that I couldn't live without. I left my husband. And I have never looked back. I have never regretted the leaving him. It is hard to regret it when Adam and I are still friends, and I know that he has met a wonderful woman. A woman whom he shares so much in common, who makes him smile, and who has turned him back into the man that I knew when I first met him. I made the right choice to leave him. And as scary as it sounds... I made the right choice to move in with him... and to marry him. Because it taught us both a very valuable lesson. How to be functioning adults.

I have good days and I have bad days. One night I came home to an unfurnished apartment with a case of beer and knowing I had no food in my refrigerator and no more money in my bank account. I sat down on the floor and called Robin. I was in tears. 

Robin: Oh honey what is wrong?
Me: This just isn't where I thought I would be in my life right now....
Robin: Kelsey... didn't you have any dreams? And goals when you were living back home?
Me: Yea... I wanted to move out of town, I wanted to live in the city, I wanted to go to college, I wanted an apartment of my own.
Robin laughing: It sounds like you are exactly where you want to be. You did move away, you went to college.... sure it didn't work out but you went. You just got a new apartment.... really is sounds like you made most of your dreams come true.

And just like that my will was resolved. Because she was right. I took a really twisted and screwed up road to where I am... but where I am is exactly where I had always wanted to be.

Where have you been all my life?

In every famous Fairy Tale the end result is girl meets boy, boy saves girl, boy marries girl, and everything fades out. Right? Well.... real life doesn't work that way. But I will never forget the day that I met my other half, the one person that I can share my secrets with, the person who laughs with me... and occasionally at me, the one person who I will hopefully spend the rest of my life with... Robin.

I never knew what I was missing in my life until Robin walked into my store to start as a new hire... and to be honest I really didn't know I was missing her in my life until she had been working with me for a couple of weeks.

Now to explain this fully you have to understand why it is amusing to me that Robin and I ever became friends.
At this point I was young, I lived in an apartment with two roommates and my boyfriend (yes I lived with my boyfriend out of wedlock). A typical friday night for us was getting really drunk and playing video games... sometimes just the four of us and sometimes half of my co-workers would join us. We were always doing crazy things. Life was pretty much a big party.
Robin however was a different story. Robin was married (she didn't believe in sex out of wedlock), she went to church every Sunday, and let's face it.... after she said those things I really didn't pay much more attention. The idea of Robin at one of my crazy parties led me to the image of her showing up and reading scripture at us. I thought there was no way this woman would ever be more than a co-worker.
Now out of the sake of being nice I invited Robin out to a couple of my parties, she always said she would try to make it... and never did. Which made me think I was completely correct in my first opinion of miss goody goody Robin. Until one day... when I opened my door... already a little tipsy... and there stood Robin. I am not gonna lie... I was concerned. I thought the whole experience was going to be uncomfortable for all of us.
But... then I got to know Robin. I learned that Robin liked rum... really liked rum. I learned that Robin liked to have a cigerette now and then... I learned that Robin could drink me under the table... I learned that Robin was freaking hilarious.... I learned that Robin get's very loud when she is drunk... and best of all I learned that Robin would not exactly remember all of the details of that night.

She didn't instantly become my best friend that night. But the future was set in motion the moment she stood on my coffee table and announced to everyone in the room that her friend just had a baby at the top of her lungs.... and then didn't remember telling us the next day.
Since then Robin switched jobs, she has moved out of the state, and she is now a mother.... but we have shared every experience good or bad. We still get completely wasted together.... it's just normally over the phone after her kids are in bed. We make a point to get together at least twice a year.
We always joke about how our friendship started. But neither one of us would change it for a second.

There is a goal in life. It's called Happily Ever After. Everyone wants it. It doesn't mean the same to some people as it means to others but in realilty it all comes out to the same thing. Happiness.
I had a goal. The goal of my life was to move as far away from my family as I could (preferably the city), meet a guy with similar tastes, go to college, and become a famous writer.
Well... that didn't happen.
Instead I met a man that I thought had similar tastes, I moved to the city, went to college, dropped out of college, and worked in retail.... which is where I am now.
My point of this whole blog is to tell a story. I am not sure if it is a story anyone wants to hear. But, I know I would have felt a little bit better about myself if I knew that there were others like me... the kind of people that don't fit the whole Princess mentality bit.
The simple fact of it.... Things don't work out the way we think they are going to when we are kids. But if you keep an open mind... sometimes they work out in unexpected ways.