Survivor

I am a survivor.

I have survived the fear of losing everything when my father lost his job. I survived when my mother quit hers. I survived when they put all of their savings into a small party store. I survived when that party store took all of their time away from me. I survived never being noticed. I survived dropping out of high school. I survived home schooling myself. I survived feeling as if I was invisible to everyone around me.I survived feeling as if I didn't belong. I survived a childhood lost. I survived having to grow up too fast.

I survived working two jobs to help support my family at a young age. I survived when my parents lost our house. I survived having to move from the only home I had ever known to a two bedroom trailer. I survived when our party store failed. I survived when my parents lost everything. I survived watching my parents turn on each other. I survived when the one person that I could lean on, my fiance, left me. I survived having absolutely nothing.

I survived living in an unfinished basement with no walls and no doors. I survived watching a rift filled with resentment grow between my parents. I survived feeling as if the world had ended. I survived watching the only life I had ever known fall to pieces around me.

I survived moving away from home, with a complete stranger. I survived starting a whole new life without my family. I survived trying to learn how to live again.

I survived learning to trust again. I survived letting someone get close to me. I survived falling in love. I survived learning to lean on someone again. I survived watching my parents marriage end. I survived trying to realize that it didn't mean that I would have the same fate. I survived feeling as if I no longer fit in with my family. I survived feeling as if they no longer cared if I was there or not. I survived feeling as if my mother never wanted me around. I survived learning what it really meant to be in a relationship.

I survived losing a child. I survived my relationship becoming rocky. I survived watching the one person who taught me to trust again, turn into someone I couldn't talk to. I survived the insults. I survived the fights. I survived the tears. I survived walking out the door, and never looking back.

I survived the fear of the unknown. I survived learning how to live on my own for the very first time. I survived learning to stand on my own two feet. I survived the end of my marriage. I survived the idea of being alone.

I survived allowing someone into my heart. I survived learning to trust someone all over again. I survived sharing my every thought, my every feeling, my entire being with someone. I survived  the first time I ever fully allowed someone to see every part of me.

I have survived every obstacle that has been thrown in my way. I have survived every hurt, and every trial. I feel as if I have done nothing but survive since I was the age of ten. Each step I have taken and each choice I have made has been nothing but just a survival tactic....

I have survived thinking that I don't have to do it anymore, that the days of just.... surviving are gone. I have survived thinking that I get to just live now. I have survived truly believing that everything is going to be okay. I have survived thinking that finally.... I can stop holding my breath. I will survive knowing that it wasn't true.

It's what I do. I just... survive. It's all I have ever known. And to think that the future would be different.... is just to have to learn all over again how to survive.