Mothers Day is particularly difficult for me.
In my younger years I never wanted children. I didn't want to be tied down.
Once I got into a commited relationship I couldn't wait till I could bring a child into this world. Adam and I constantly argued about when we would start a family.
When I got pregnant I was so happy. I can remember getting phone calls from my entire family on Mothers Day wishing me happy thoughts. I couldn't wait to be an actual mother.
When I got pregnant I made a binder. It had a section for what to expect each week, what I would need to take to the hospital when I went into labor, all the things that I would need to purchase before my baby came into the world, and in the very back of the binder I had a section where I would write a letter to my child every week. I wanted my baby to know how much I loved it. I was so excited to bring this child into the world, I couldn't wait to hold it, and to watch it grow.
The day I lost my child broke my heart into so many pieces that I never believed that I would smile again. I was completely destroyed. I was three months pregnant when I sat before my doctor, by myself, and she told me that my child was dead, and then asked me if I wanted her to call my husband for me.
I wish I could say that I have never had that feeling since. Unfortunately that was not my last miscarriage. It never gets easier to lose a child. Even if you have never held that child or looked upon it's face.... you love that child with every ounce of your heart. You do everything that you can to ensure it's safety. To be able to do nothing is the worst feeling in the world.
And this is why today... Mothers Day... is pretty much unbearable for me.
(Gale Shissler)
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