As a teenager I had a few very simple life goals. I wanted to move the heck out of that dinky town, I wanted to go to college, I wanted to have my own apartment, and I wanted to live in the big city. I thought these were reasonable goals. Sure I had dreams of being famous, of becoming the next top selling famous writer, and who knows... having a hot live in boyfriend. But, I had a realistic outlook on that part of my life. I was not expecting to meet a man that would cause me to change my outlook on marriage and kids.
At the age of 18 I met Adam. He was older, he lived on his own, he was a college student, he was pretty good looking, and he liked me. At this point I was working in a movie theater trying to help support my family and most of my nights were spent doing reckless things that made me forget the responsibilities that I had to deal with during the day (more on that in a later post). All was going well, sure I wasn't living out my goals or my dreams but at least I was having a good time. And then a friend of mine wanted me to meet Adam. I am not sure why I did it... in fact I am not even sure why I ever went on a second date with him considering the first date went horribly wrong. But I did go on a second date... and a third... and I even took my first out of country trip with him (sure it might have only been Canada but I had never been before..... so it was a big deal). And before I knew it... I was spending more time with him than I was at work or with my family or even with my friends. At this point I can remember little details... things that really irritated me about him back then. But back then... I ignored his every fault. And then he graduated college... and asked me to move away with him... two hours away... to Metro Detroit... and I did it.... and it was probably the biggest and yet somehow best mistake that I have ever made in my life.
The above paragraph makes it seem as if this relationship had been going on for a while before I moved two hours away from everything I knew... with a guy that... well let's face it... I barely knew. But in all honesty, I had known Adam for exactly three months when my parents helped me move into a really crappy apartment, in a really crappy part of town, with a guy I hardly knew anything about. Boy... was that a great idea. Although... It took me a while to realize just how fantastic of an idea it really was.
Adam liked to have deep intellectual conversations about politics and religion, he thought that in order for you to have a valid opinion about something you had to have undeniable facts to support your opinion, Adam wanted to talk about every single emotion that was expressed.... for hours...., if you did not agree with Adam he thought it was an opening to discuss the matter for hours on end until the opposing person just gave in to stop the conversation, if Adam thought you had a problem (even if you didn't) Adam was hell bent to fix it. These were all traits that were easy to ignore and pretend didn't exist when I didn't live with him. Sure, Adam had other traits as well... good traits... he had a big heart, he was always willing to help a friend in need, he knew how to have a great time, and he loved me... all things that were outweighed by his more stubborn and tiring traits.
I had my own set of wonderfulness.... I was headstrong, I didn't like to be told what to do, I didn't like to talk about how I felt about things, I hated politics, I hated religon, I felt that my opinions were valid even if I didn't have a thousand reasons for why I thought they should be, and I most certainly did not like the idea of being fixed. I am sure I had some good traits... although as sad as it is... in the beginning of our relationship... I don't know what they were.
We were complete opposites on some of the most important things, and yet we managed to sustain some kind of working relationship. Our friends either loved being around us or hated being around us. Our roommates saw the underlying problems and recognized us for what we were... a disaster waiting to happen, I even thing our families realized this fact. Our other friends thought we were the perfect couple... for a while. It was a disaster waiting to happen... but I wouldn't go back and change a thing, because I would have never become the person that I am today if I hadn't been with Adam.
When Adam asked me to become his wife I said yes, with one single question I once again forgot about every harsh word, every argument, every irritation, and focused only on how much I loved this man. It gave the both of us a surge of resiliance towards each others faults. He seemed to work harder on not annoying me and I worked harder on trying to be interested in the things he cared about. We were doing so good. And then... we got pregnant.
Pregnancy did an amazing thing to our relationship. Now I had never wanted children before, but with Adam I wanted them.... I wanted them real bad. He had somehow unlocked that mothering instinct that most women are born with. So when I found out I was pregnant I was excited. I couldn't wait to bring this life into the world. Adam, who had never said he didn't want children had a different reaction... he saw this new life as just making every problem in our realtionship that much bigger, he saw it as the end of his youth, he saw it as the exact opposite of what he wanted in that moment and because of those feelings each day was pretty much a living hell. He resented me for being pregnant. He treated the pregnancy like it was a chore. He was constantly angry at me. He was angry when I didn't eat well, he was angry when he thought I was eating too much, he was angry when the doctor said I wasn't gaining enough weight, he was angry when he thought I was gaining too much weight, he was angry when I got morning sickness, he was angry when I had a doctors appointment, the long and the short of it was simple... Adam was angry. And it took a serious toll on me. Because of the pregnancy he decided we should move our wedding up, he decided that we should change all of our previous wedding plans, he decided where we would get married, he decided how we would spend our honeymoon, and just like that I felt that this was no longer a relationship. I thought that in time he would come around, that he would realize that this wasn't the end of the world, and I was right.... one day I came home from work and the most amazing thing happened. Adam got down on his knees and he lifted up my shirt and he placed his hands on my subtle baby bump and he started talking to our baby. It was the most amazing moment. I would like to blame hormones for the tears that I shed but I knew that it was just relief. Relief that finally he was accepting that this child was coming. Unfortunately, only a week later, at only three months pregnant I lost the baby. And so more resentment was born in our relationship. My resentment with him and his treatment of the situation.
Adam and I continued on to get married, it was a beautiful day filled with sadness, and anger. Adam was angry that we weren't having the wedding we originally planned and blamed me. I was angry that we didn't have the wedding that we originally planned and I blamed him. We went on a honeymoon that he wanted because I didn't want to argue anymore. I tried to enjoy myself but he was angry the whole time. We got back from our honeymoon and bought a house, the place that we were supposed to start our family, and we argued about it constantly. We would go on vacations and argue, he lost his job and we argued, I worked too much and we argued, in fact... it seemed like there was hardly a day that we weren't arguing. If we weren't it was merely because of the fact that I would bite my tongue to keep myself from saying the things that I wanted to say.
It's a sad picture, sure there were good times, but they are hard to remember amongst all the anger and resentment and discontent that was breeding in our relationship.
After five years of being together, two years of being married, months of theapy, a complete year of being a complete coward... I walked out the front door of my house with all of the belongings that I couldn't live without. I left my husband. And I have never looked back. I have never regretted the leaving him. It is hard to regret it when Adam and I are still friends, and I know that he has met a wonderful woman. A woman whom he shares so much in common, who makes him smile, and who has turned him back into the man that I knew when I first met him. I made the right choice to leave him. And as scary as it sounds... I made the right choice to move in with him... and to marry him. Because it taught us both a very valuable lesson. How to be functioning adults.
I have good days and I have bad days. One night I came home to an unfurnished apartment with a case of beer and knowing I had no food in my refrigerator and no more money in my bank account. I sat down on the floor and called Robin. I was in tears.
Robin: Oh honey what is wrong?
Me: This just isn't where I thought I would be in my life right now....
Robin: Kelsey... didn't you have any dreams? And goals when you were living back home?
Me: Yea... I wanted to move out of town, I wanted to live in the city, I wanted to go to college, I wanted an apartment of my own.
Robin laughing: It sounds like you are exactly where you want to be. You did move away, you went to college.... sure it didn't work out but you went. You just got a new apartment.... really is sounds like you made most of your dreams come true.
And just like that my will was resolved. Because she was right. I took a really twisted and screwed up road to where I am... but where I am is exactly where I had always wanted to be.
You are my hero. You've gone though the fire and come out the other side a stronger person. You haven't let any of these things weigh you down, but instead learned and grew from them. I love you!
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