Masks

 

 

 

I see you there...

An empty shell of what you used to be.

You wear a mask to hide from everyone.... but not from me.

I see your pain...

The struggles within....

I see the cracks.... you are worn so thin.

I want to be the glue that holds you together.

But you won't even let me bother.

You try to hide....

You don't want me to see what's inside.

It's a pointless task.... wearing that mask...

You can't hide from me.

I can already see.

Empty

 

I am standing, looking around.

An empty apartment... no one....

Thinking about all the things that  went right... what went wrong.

Empty beer cans cover the table, the ashtray full.

I am just trying to make sense of it all.

Was it ever right.... was it ever wrong....?

I am so confused by it all.

I glance to the window and catch a reflection.

Who is this person that looks back?

Is it me? Is this what I have become?

An empty apartment.... no one...

I was so full of life...

What was ever right.... what was always wrong?

I want to be that girl that I used to be.

All that's left are the pictures on the wall.

An empty apartment.... no one....

Life never is what we expect of it, even if my expectations were low.

An empty apartment... what was right?

What is wrong?

Facing My Fears

Everyone is terrified of something... or some things.... it's life.

As children we are afraid of the boogey man, the creatures that lurk under our beds, thunder storms, maybe creepy clowns.... it's natural right?

I think I was the most unafraid child in the world.
As an adult.... I seem to have learned to be afraid of everything.

I was in a horrible car accident with my older sister when I was only 14 years old.... a car accident that we were lucky to walk away from. It took me a while before I could even be in a car without being terrified let alone how long it took for me to get my license. But I managed.

Every guy in my life told me that they loved me and they would forever... then abandoned me the moment things got hard. I swore I would never let myself trust someone enough to marry them. And yet after a while somehow I got over it and I got married (granted that one didn't work out so well).

I was in a car accident while I was driving in the snow, everytime after that for a while I was terrified of driving when the roads were covered in snow and ice. I would be so tense.... but somehow... one day... I was over it.

I am still terrified of spiders. I HATE THEM!!!!!! They freak me out beyond all reason. But one morning when one was on my wall... I killed it. I still hate them but I can deal with it.

Tomorrow morning I have to stand up in front of everyone I work with and give a little speech. The moment I was told I had to do this I felt like throwing up. I am sooooo not good with public speaking. Sure I have worked with these people for a while. I talk to them every day..... and yet the idea of being on the spot, and speaking to all of them at once FREAKS ME OUT!!!!!!! I hate it.
I tried to get out of it, I mentioned my horrible fear of it, I mentioned the fact that I am not good at it, and finally I had to accept that tomorrow I have to do it.
FML!!!!!! I am panicking right now just thinking about it. 
It's silly I know... and part of me is laughing at myself for the stupidity of it. I am kinda hoping this works out the same way that everything else has. Tomorrow I could wake up, go in there, and just do it. And be fine.

I am really hoping I don't freak out and just babble like an idiot.

Wish me luck.

Birthdays....

Growing up there was always one day that I knew would be all about me.
I can remember being so excited about my birthday, the night before I could barely sleep just thinking about it, and that morning when I woke up... it was the greatest day. It wasn't about the gifts (I was spoiled when I was young) but it was just about the fact that it was the one day out of every year that was all about me.

My parents always did their best to make my birthday the greatest day, my mother would bake me whatever cake I wanted, my dad would always stay home from work, I was always allowed to have as many people over as I wanted. Heck even up until my teenage years my family did their best to make that day a HUGE celebration. No matter how crappy the year.... it always made me realize how happy they were that I was there.... that I had been born.... and I had lived another year.

When I first moved out, it was right before my birthday. I was turning 19 in a new city, with a new boyfriend, and our roommates. I thought I would have a whole different kind of party. Instead my boyfriend bought me a DVD and took me to the local college campus to try and convince me to enroll. There was no party. No celebration. Nothing. And it was sad.

I asked my boyfriend about it, why he didn't do anything, and he told me that in his family birthdays weren't such a big thing for him.
So for his birthday I decided to show him what it was like. I bought him a cake ( I wasn't so into cooking back then ), I bought candles, I showed up at his work and surprised him. Later that night we threw a party at our apartment. I thought the message had been made clear.... birthdays are  a big thing to me... and that's how we are going to roll from now on.

My 20th birthday I had to work, when I came home my roommates and I did what we normally did... sat around, played video games.... no special anything.

For his birthday, I threw him a surprise birthday party, I contacted all of his old college friends plus our friends in the city, I invited his family, my family, and everyone I could think of. I had us all meet at a piano bar in Lansing. It was an amazing night.

My 21st birthday, he tried. He invited a bunch of people for a bar hop... on a Sunday night... not many people could make it, the bars were dead...., he got mad at me the next day when I was hung over..., but hey he tried.

My 22nd birthday... nothing.....

My 23rd birthday... I decided to take matters into my own hands. I did the planning, I invited people, and I was going to make it happen. I wanted some feeling of the old times. And then we got into a fight..... a bad fight. While he was screaming at me for some... unknown reason, I was getting text messages from my friends, asking when I was going to get there. My whole night was spent crying and yelling and feeling completely unloved... by my now husband, while my friends were waiting for me. It was... probably the worst birthday I ever had.

My 24th birthday.... I don't remember at all. I couldn't tell you if I had a party or what.

My 25th birthday I decided to try again at the party planning. I planned a huge party in my hometown, I got RSVP's and everything. I had to work, and my boyfriend at the time couldn't make it to Jackson so as soon as I got out of work he took me out to eat, made a huge deal, made the day start out so amazing. Then I got to Jackson, a few of my friends showed up.... but finally I was exhausted and decided to go to sleep. Granted I was so surprised when Robin was there, sleeping on my sisters couch when I woke up. It turned out way better than I thought... but for a few minutes I felt like it was going to go bad.

And in two days it will be my 26th birthday.
I will be working, I made no plans, and as far as I know no one else has made plans for me.
It will be the first year that I have given up on trying to have an amazing birthday.
I bought myself a bottle of champagne to toast to the end. I am not going to go out of the way to make my birthday special again.
I am sick of the disappointment.
The sad part is that everyone says it's just one of those things that happens when you are an adult. But why? Why does it have to happen? Why do we have to give up our childish joy just because we are old? Everyone should be able to hold onto some childish joy regardless of what they have gone through or how old they are. It keeps you alive... keeps you hoping... keeps you sane.... and yet we are so quick to give up.

So I guess my point is.... find one thing that amuses you and go with it. I myself still enjoy sitting in the rain. Every chance I get... I just stand or sit or play in the rain. Because in that moment when the rain hits my skin I smile. Don't lose your childish wonderment just because you are getting older.

Sorry for my lack of attention....

I have not been very attentive to my blog for a little while.... I am sorry for that.

My work has inventory going on, I have been trying to be a little more social in my personal life, and I am trying to take better care of myself i.e. working out.

So I haven't forgotten my followers, even though a lot of you aren't COMMENTING!!!

So here is a funny little story to keep you all going until Monday when I will have time to do a real post.

So I got home at 11 pm tonight after work. And I have to stay up late because tomorrow I am working a 12 hour shift, 3 p.m. till 3 a.m. Now this is just an estimate. There is a chance that I will be there much later than that. So tonight I am trying to stay awake as long as I can, so that tomorrow I will sleep in as long as I can to make me not want to curl up in a ball at 1 am.  So I started drinking. Coffee and Baileys... Something to keep me up.... and something that will keep me entertained....

And I was having a fun go of it.... until out of the corner of my eye I saw something crawling acrossed my apartment floor ( three drinks in ).
My first thought was that it was a spider... I am terrified out of spiders. But then I realized it was too big to be a spider. Granted it's night time, and I am just watching tv so I have all the lights off... so to me it looks like something huge is slinking across my living room. Normally under these circumstances I would either drink so much that I could ignore it or call someone to kill whatever this thing was. But... I decided to be an adult. I grabbed a shoe... and a kleenx... and I turned on the light.... to find a HUGE fucking centipeed crawling across my apartment. And I SMASHED IT!!! All by myself.

I am normally a fan of live and let live. But this fucker had to die.

So that's my story. Sorry I haven't posted anything better than this in a while. I PROMISE. Monday I will come up with something much better.

Thank you to everyone who is reading. It means a lot to me that people are paying attention.

Liars....

I don't understand why people can't tell the truth.
I mean;.. I get the fact that sometimes telling the truth hurts...
Liars.... it sucks for a second........ maybe a minute when the truth first comes out.
But when you lie for a long time... when you realize everything it a lie... it crushes your spirit.

Fuck I hate liars.

Asking For Help.....

I am a strong person.

I have ALWAYS been raised that way.

My parents always raised me to stand on my own two feet, to be smart, to work hard, to never expect anything from anyone, and it's tiring.

It's difficult being an adult. As children we can't wait for the adventure... for the excitement.... for the fairytale. We have this idea of what life is supposed to be. Unfortunately life rarely turns out the way we think it will when we are children. There are trials. Sometimes these trials are small, losing a loved one, having a heart broken, or... not getting into the school we want. But, more often than not, they are things far more serious. For me it was when I lost my first child and I felt as if the world had stopped spinning, when my husband and I could no longer enjoy each others company without being drunk, for walking out the door.... not knowing if I could ever stand on my own two feet again, trying to live on my own for the very first time of my adult life and not knowing if I could afford it, learning to trust in people... not always thinking they are going to screw me over, falling in love again... hoping that this time my heart won't be shattered into a million pieces, and realizing that I am broke and can't afford my life.

It's scary asking for help. You have to let yourself be completely vulnerable. You have to share a secret with someone... anyone who can save you. You are putting yourself out there.... naked... and asking someone to cover you. It is humiliating... terrifying... and heartbreaking.

I should know better than to be afraid to ask for help. I watched my family crumble because of their pride. I watched us lose everything due to the fact that they couldn't just.... humble themselves... face the music... and ask for help.

It's a lesson I should have learned... and yet I still waited till the last minute to ask.

But the fact that my request was taken... and accepted... made me feel that much more of an open and honest person.

One of the things that I have learned from my ex-husband is to be an honest person, to be real, and to always be the person that doesn't just shove things under the rug.

I have done really good with this, and I feel as if it has made my life better. But yet, I was still afraid to tell the truth about the situation I was in.

I feel like I can breathe again, and I also feel an overwhelming feeling of love and admiration for the people that are in my life. Not one person has looked down on me, not one person has ignored me, and not one person has told me I am an idiot.

Once again I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world. I have amazing friends that are so supportive and loving. I have the greatest family in the world who support me through thick and thin, and I am thankful for myself. I don't say it enough.... but even though I have gone through a lot of really crappy situations... somehow I have kept a semi-optimistic view on life. I don't think the world is going to end everytime bad things are happening... I don't give up.... it's tiring.... but I have so much to grateful for.


Thank you... Everyone....